A Very Dark Spring and Religious Hypocrites

Pulling into the small parking lot, floods of memories came rushing back to me all at once. I had been here many times before, and each time had varying emotions linked to the nostalgia that came with it. I grimaced and fumbled through my bag for the notebook and pen he had given me. Pulling these out, I exited the car and found my usual place in the swing facing the street. Opening the notebook, my fingers thumbed through the discarded stories and ideas, as I searched for a blank page.

Here, I began this...

Two years ago seems like a long time when deep in reflective thought. Even then, I knew we would not last. Yes, being here was fun, we had a lot of good times, but overall, you were not the one. Regardless of knowing this, I stuck around anyway. My paranoia in our relationship began pretty early. In my own mind, this should have been the biggest red-flag. They always say a woman's intuition is right, to go with your gut feeling, trust your instincts, etc... but I over thought the situation and decided I was just being paranoid.

True, but not true. I am a paranoid individual, but by every right. Or maybe I'm not paranoid at all, I just have a sixth sense for humans. Either of these could be accurate, or they could both be accurate, but all that remains now is why am I here?

I said my goodbyes to this place two months ago. I thought it would be easier to leave all of this behind... but it really isn't. I have a lot of bitter resentment towards you, towards myself... and the whole debacle. I will be heading to your place soon, to pick up the rest of my belongings. My stomach is churning and my heart is racing.

The drive here brought back so many memories. When laying them out on paper, I realized very quickly, most of those memories were bad. I was alone, and depressed. Often, I found myself wandering the streets aimlessly, wondering if you would come looking for me or if you would pay no mind to my erratic behavior. You never did look for me. Many of those times, I made my way to this park, and would sit on the same swing, waiting for you until it was too late and too cold to sit any longer. I thought of it as our place, but I didn't realize you never wanted to share anything with me.

That spring I should have been happy. I was with a man who I thought loved me exclusively. No, I lie... I never thought you loved me exclusively. I wanted you to. I wanted to be your one and only. I wanted you to put me on a pedestal, as you said you tended to do in relationships, but deep in my mind I worried you would leave me. You would find someone better or just become bored with me and then you would leave me. I know you looked at other women. You didn't really try very hard to hide it... I was insecure and you did nothing to reassert my position or my value to you.

It wasn't just that spring though. It was always. Every day, every season, every hour of my life. I worried about you. Who you were talking to, why you were being so distant and cold... Why I couldn't count on you for anything, but money. I shudder to think I sank so low in my life... to become blinded by success. I wanted you to pull me up and out of the mud, you only pushed me further. I didn't let myself become blinded though... It was masochistic. I couldn't trust you for anything.

Spring, my favorite season. The light at the end of a long dismal winter-filled tunnel... but that spring was a dark one. I found no strength to pull me from bed each morning and inevitably found myself falling deeper and deeper into a dark gray cloud. Spring turned to Summer and things worsened for me. I thought you were going to dump me because I asked if you still loved your ex. Eventually, you decided to forgive me for your actions and asked me to move in. I did, that fall... and again, things only became harder and I fell deeper. Your over-reactions to everything... you always had to be right.

Winter came again. I knew I would drown, because of my SAD, but you wouldn't listen or understand. You never comforted me. Despite struggling to stay afloat with my own depression in tow, I took on yours too. I tried everything, every damn thing, in my power to make you feel cared about, loved, happy... any positive emotion. Any flitting gleam of hope, just so you would know not all things are bad. You took it for granted, using what I had to offer to get ahead, and shoved me deep in the mud.

I guess it doesn't matter anymore, honestly.

It didn't take him long to pull me out and brush me off. I guess my head is glued on tighter than I thought, and I didn't really ever lose my senses. I'm less bitter than I was, but when I sit down and think about everything, those feelings of resentment seem to still course my veins, making me grow cold and angry. I try to be forgiving. I try to move on...

You did one thing though. You made me realize how hypocritical I am. Thank you.

See PART II