I am feeling particularly shitty tonight. I'm not certain why this is
bothering me so much lately, but I cannot get it out of my frakking
head. I'll be honest, in the end it doesn't matter, but right now it's
gnawing at my brain like some festering parasite.
Two
months ago a "friend" of mine decided to completely delete me from her
life. I'm not really one to speak on this matter too much, because I do
this to people a lot. If I feel the friendship is dead, I will "weed"
people out of my Facebook friend list. It's honestly nothing personal,
and only has to do 100% with the amount I associate with or talk to that
person. Also, having key interests is a must and a plus in staying on
my list. It wasn't so much the fact that she deleted me as a "Facebook
friend", but she blocked me too.
A little back story
for you... In the summer of 2013, this person told me she had gone to a
writer's conference and met up with some really neat people. She was
going to be attending a writing workshop every Thursday and told me she
wanted me to come. It wasn't until October or so that I received any
details on this workshop. Unfortunately, I had just started a new job as
a secretary for the state and Ian, my fiance, had also just started a
new job with completely conflicting hours. Since we were a poor young
couple struggling in the economy of the time, we shared a vehicle. There
was literally no way I could make it to the workshops and get back in
time for Ian to go to work. I was really bummed and my friend seemed
bummed too. It wasn't a huge deal to me, though. I could always go to
these things with her in the future! Moving along...
She
and a few of the people she met at this workshop decided to create a
Writing Group together. She was very kind and asked me to join. As a
writer, this was HUGE! I was so excited to meet like people and be able
to discuss ideas. I actually really liked the people I met in the group,
but I guess they didn't feel mutually. The group would meet weekly
after work about two hours away from where I worked. The timing was
incredibly horrible, because the weather was absolutely atrocious that
winter. I wasn't able to make most of the meetings, but I was certain to
keep up with the group on the Facebook page we had created. I also
tried numerous times to do video chat with the other members, but they
never seemed interested. My friend and one other member were the only
exceptions. There are two instances are recall calling and asking if the
group was still meeting when I got off work and my friend said she had
just packed up to leave but the others were still going strong. When I
called them to try and meet up, they told me not to bother, as they were
packing up as well. I have to say, considering my personal
circumstance, I did my best to make it to the meetings I could have.
In
early May of 2014, the other group member who I had developed an
"actual" friendship with informed me the group was seriously pissed off
at me and they were going to kick me out if I didn't show up to the next
meeting. The next meeting consisted of buying expensive tickets to a
Comicon, which I could not afford, and spending the weekend with them.
This was the same weekend of my cousin's wedding and there was no way I
could go to Comicon AND be a bridesmaid to my cousin. I plead with this
member to let the other group mates know I didn't want to be removed,
but there was no way I could make it to Comicon. A few days later he
text me and told me he had spoken out of turn and was on thin ice for
saying anything to me. Apparently, it was too late and I should stay
away.
I had actually planned to attend the meeting
after the convencion and I was super excited. I packed my laptop in my
bag early that morning and prepared to go to the coffeeshop the group
frequented. That was when I received the text. I was so confused and
hurt. This member was the only one who had said anything to me. I had
never received any prior warning and worst of all... my friend never
talked to me about any of it. I actually cried myself to sleep two
nights in a row because of this turmoil. I didn't know why it hurt so
much and, really, I still don't. I guess there was a definite feeling of
rejection, but there was also the fear that I was losing my only
"writer" friend who I cared much about.
After being
officially removed from the group, I sent this friend a message on
Facebook asking her if we could talk. She had ignored my phone calls and
texts up to this point, so I guess I should have seen this whole ordeal
coming, but I liked to believe the little lies she told me. In short,
she told me "It's not you, it's us. We're moving in different
directions. You have other things going on in your life and we're very
serious about our writing..." She ended our conversation by telling me
that she wanted to remain friends because our friendship had come first
and really hoped none of this hurt my feelings. I lied and told her I
was fine and that I was mostly worried about our friendship, but glad to
hear her say we would keep things the way they were before. Of course I
wasn't fine, but I wasn't going to let this damned situation destroy
six years of friendship!
In June, her husband, my
fiance, and the two of us went to an art fare. It became painfully
obvious she was hanging out with me out of obligation and not because
she was enjoying herself. She would wander away with her husband while
we were all admiring something and she rushed the four of us through the
entire event. We went back to the house and talked about maybe catching
a movie or getting dinner, but there was always an excuse. They left
fairly early.
She and I talked a bit on Facebook, but
nothing like we did before. In October I asked if she wanted to get some
coffee together, like old times. I thought she and I could have some
alone time and I could talk to her about my feelings. We were making
plans and things seemed to be going really well again. She was
incredibly busy, which I understood. She was preparing for another month
of NANO. I knew last year had really taken a toll on her, but she was
excited for it. I decided to leave the ball in her court, telling her to
pick a date and I'd be there.
On November 1, 2014, she
posted something on Facebook regarding her writing successes. I shared
the post to my wall in promotion of her accomplishments and when I went
to tag her to it, I couldn't. I was confused at first and decided to
check her Facebook. An error appeared when I checked stating, "This page
no longer exists!" An ill feeling crumpled me. I asked Ian if he could
check his account for me and... the truth revealed itself. My friend had
blocked me. Not a word. No reason. Just poof! Six years of friendship
out the window.
I'm a fairly private person. I have a
very hard time getting close to people. My Facebook account consists of
mostly family, church-family, and my closest friends. I have removed
anyone I did not feel a connection with. The people on my list are
people I genuinely care about and love. They're all family in my heart.
To be discarded like that was one of the most painful things I have ever
felt. Maybe it was retribution for someone who felt that was when I
deleted them? Maybe I thought more of this person than I should have? I
will never know. I sent her an email and a text asking for, at least,
some closure. I never received a response, nor do I ever intend to. I
cried that day. I felt so stupid for crying, but I did. I don't have
many friends left after years of socially isolating myself. This
exclusion hurt so deeply. It felt like being broken up with, I guess.
That's really the best way to describe it. What did I do wrong?
I
read a few articles on how to cope, but they didn't really help. The
answers usually chalked it up to the person being "a slutty bitch who
deserves to burn!" or other similar nonsense. In the end, the best way I
have found to cope with this loss was to play the role of the "victim"
and place blame on her. "Obviously she wasn't a good friend, since she
didn't even have the common decency to give me a reason or talk to me
about her problems with me. She clearly thought very little of me as a
human being with real feelings and emotions. In the end, I didn't matter
to her, so she shouldn't matter to me."
I can say
these things, but are they true? I always thought she was a really nice
person and we were like-minded people. I wanted to be couple friends
with her and her husband. I wanted to have double dates, game nights,
and the works! It's hard to think I was wrong for six years. I can't
really accept it yet.
It taught me you can never know
which friends are there for a "reason, a season, or a life time"...
because the ones you thought were always going to be there... may or may
not decide to disappear one day.
I did really well
over this busy holiday season. There were enough distractions in my
life, I didn't think about the situation as much as I feared I would.
When I came around to sending out my Christmas cards, I struggled with
whether or not I should send her and her family one (like I have for
four years now). I decided not to send it. Now that the holidays have
subsided, I guess these untended emotions are rearing up again.
I
am getting married in May 2015. I am struggling again with the idea of
sending her and her husband an invitation. There is a huge part of me
that wants to keep that door of opportunity open... but for what reason?
EDIT: This was actually posted January 6, 2015. For some reason, it was deleted? Not sure how that happened, but I was able to pull this file from the cache. Lucky me! I was about to be PIIIIISSED!
