The Six Year Season

I am feeling particularly shitty tonight. I'm not certain why this is bothering me so much lately, but I cannot get it out of my frakking head. I'll be honest, in the end it doesn't matter, but right now it's gnawing at my brain like some festering parasite.

Two months ago a "friend" of mine decided to completely delete me from her life. I'm not really one to speak on this matter too much, because I do this to people a lot. If I feel the friendship is dead, I will "weed" people out of my Facebook friend list. It's honestly nothing personal, and only has to do 100% with the amount I associate with or talk to that person. Also, having key interests is a must and a plus in staying on my list. It wasn't so much the fact that she deleted me as a "Facebook friend", but she blocked me too.

A little back story for you... In the summer of 2013, this person told me she had gone to a writer's conference and met up with some really neat people. She was going to be attending a writing workshop every Thursday and told me she wanted me to come. It wasn't until October or so that I received any details on this workshop. Unfortunately, I had just started a new job as a secretary for the state and Ian, my fiance, had also just started a new job with completely conflicting hours. Since we were a poor young couple struggling in the economy of the time, we shared a vehicle. There was literally no way I could make it to the workshops and get back in time for Ian to go to work. I was really bummed and my friend seemed bummed too. It wasn't a huge deal to me, though. I could always go to these things with her in the future! Moving along...

She and a few of the people she met at this workshop decided to create a Writing Group together. She was very kind and asked me to join. As a writer, this was HUGE! I was so excited to meet like people and be able to discuss ideas. I actually really liked the people I met in the group, but I guess they didn't feel mutually. The group would meet weekly after work about two hours away from where I worked. The timing was incredibly horrible, because the weather was absolutely atrocious that winter. I wasn't able to make most of the meetings, but I was certain to keep up with the group on the Facebook page we had created. I also tried numerous times to do video chat with the other members, but they never seemed interested. My friend and one other member were the only exceptions. There are two instances are recall calling and asking if the group was still meeting when I got off work and my friend said she had just packed up to leave but the others were still going strong. When I called them to try and meet up, they told me not to bother, as they were packing up as well. I have to say, considering my personal circumstance, I did my best to make it to the meetings I could have.

In early May of 2014, the other group member who I had developed an "actual" friendship with informed me the group was seriously pissed off at me and they were going to kick me out if I didn't show up to the next meeting. The next meeting consisted of buying expensive tickets to a Comicon, which I could not afford, and spending the weekend with them. This was the same weekend of my cousin's wedding and there was no way I could go to Comicon AND be a bridesmaid to my cousin. I plead with this member to let the other group mates know I didn't want to be removed, but there was no way I could make it to Comicon. A few days later he text me and told me he had spoken out of turn and was on thin ice for saying anything to me. Apparently, it was too late and I should stay away.

I had actually planned to attend the meeting after the convencion and I was super excited. I packed my laptop in my bag early that morning and prepared to go to the coffeeshop the group frequented. That was when I received the text. I was so confused and hurt. This member was the only one who had said anything to me. I had never received any prior warning and worst of all... my friend never talked to me about any of it. I actually cried myself to sleep two nights in a row because of this turmoil. I didn't know why it hurt so much and, really, I still don't. I guess there was a definite feeling of rejection, but there was also the fear that I was losing my only "writer" friend who I cared much about.

After being officially removed from the group, I sent this friend a message on Facebook asking her if we could talk. She had ignored my phone calls and texts up to this point, so I guess I should have seen this whole ordeal coming, but I liked to believe the little lies she told me. In short, she told me "It's not you, it's us. We're moving in different directions. You have other things going on in your life and we're very serious about our writing..." She ended our conversation by telling me that she wanted to remain friends because our friendship had come first and really hoped none of this hurt my feelings. I lied and told her I was fine and that I was mostly worried about our friendship, but glad to hear her say we would keep things the way they were before. Of course I wasn't fine, but I wasn't going to let this damned situation destroy six years of friendship!

In June, her husband, my fiance, and the two of us went to an art fare. It became painfully obvious she was hanging out with me out of obligation and not because she was enjoying herself. She would wander away with her husband while we were all admiring something and she rushed the four of us through the entire event. We went back to the house and talked about maybe catching a movie or getting dinner, but there was always an excuse. They left fairly early.

She and I talked a bit on Facebook, but nothing like we did before. In October I asked if she wanted to get some coffee together, like old times. I thought she and I could have some alone time and I could talk to her about my feelings. We were making plans and things seemed to be going really well again. She was incredibly busy, which I understood. She was preparing for another month of NANO. I knew last year had really taken a toll on her, but she was excited for it. I decided to leave the ball in her court, telling her to pick a date and I'd be there.

On November 1, 2014, she posted something on Facebook regarding her writing successes. I shared the post to my wall in promotion of her accomplishments and when I went to tag her to it, I couldn't. I was confused at first and decided to check her Facebook. An error appeared when I checked stating, "This page no longer exists!" An ill feeling crumpled me. I asked Ian if he could check his account for me and... the truth revealed itself. My friend had blocked me. Not a word. No reason. Just poof! Six years of friendship out the window.

I'm a fairly private person. I have a very hard time getting close to people. My Facebook account consists of mostly family, church-family, and my closest friends. I have removed anyone I did not feel a connection with. The people on my list are people I genuinely care about and love. They're all family in my heart. To be discarded like that was one of the most painful things I have ever felt. Maybe it was retribution for someone who felt that was when I deleted them? Maybe I thought more of this person than I should have? I will never know. I sent her an email and a text asking for, at least, some closure. I never received a response, nor do I ever intend to. I cried that day. I felt so stupid for crying, but I did. I don't have many friends left after years of socially isolating myself. This exclusion hurt so deeply. It felt like being broken up with, I guess. That's really the best way to describe it. What did I do wrong?

I read a few articles on how to cope, but they didn't really help. The answers usually chalked it up to the person being "a slutty bitch who deserves to burn!" or other similar nonsense. In the end, the best way I have found to cope with this loss was to play the role of the "victim" and place blame on her. "Obviously she wasn't a good friend, since she didn't even have the common decency to give me a reason or talk to me about her problems with me. She clearly thought very little of me as a human being with real feelings and emotions. In the end, I didn't matter to her, so she shouldn't matter to me."

I can say these things, but are they true? I always thought she was a really nice person and we were like-minded people. I wanted to be couple friends with her and her husband. I wanted to have double dates, game nights, and the works! It's hard to think I was wrong for six years. I can't really accept it yet.

It taught me you can never know which friends are there for a "reason, a season, or a life time"... because the ones you thought were always going to be there... may or may not decide to disappear one day.

I did really well over this busy holiday season. There were enough distractions in my life, I didn't think about the situation as much as I feared I would. When I came around to sending out my Christmas cards, I struggled with whether or not I should send her and her family one (like I have for four years now). I decided not to send it. Now that the holidays have subsided, I guess these untended emotions are rearing up again.

I am getting married in May 2015. I am struggling again with the idea of sending her and her husband an invitation. There is a huge part of me that wants to keep that door of opportunity open... but for what reason?

EDIT: This was actually posted January 6, 2015. For some reason, it was deleted? Not sure how that happened, but I was able to pull this file from the cache. Lucky me! I was about to be PIIIIISSED!

Fairytales and Anguish

I think you chose poorly. I think you should have picked me. I was always there, waiting... and you abandoned what we could have had. You burned the memories, shunned the present, and destroyed the future. All of it, murdered by your sharp tongue and quick fingers. The pain and sorrow was all inflicted by you.

Maybe if I had worn my pretty blue dresses or sang openly for you. Would you have stayed then? If I had written a million stories for you, would you be at my side? Every tale could detail the love we shared, instead of the friendship we lost. Every pitch perfect note, an aria written in  your name. Perhaps, had I only invited you over that night.... or if I had stolen those kisses?

Maybe, just maybe, if I had let you hold me, if I had agreed to steal away in the night? Would everything be alright then? Would I still get to see you? Look into your eyes, hear your nervous chuckle, feel your breath... Would we still be friends, then?

I never asked you to be mine. I never told you to change who you were. I never begged you to stay... but, what if I had? Would you? Would you have stayed for me?

Things changed so very quickly, I didn't even have the chance to blink. We grew up and you forsook all that I was. You lied, cheated, and betrayed me. I forgave you for that, by the way. I never held it against you, but I couldn't go there. It wasn't because I hated you. It wasn't because I stopped caring. It was because I loved you and I cared too much. I couldn't see you give your soul to another. I didn't want to play a fool anymore. I was scared to bear witness to a beautiful end. I wanted nothing more but for you to be happy, so I stayed away. I'm sorry if I hurt you.

You were my everything. My reason for being. I found solace. I thought, with years and another, I would forget, but I haven't. I wonder now if I ever will. Will I be eternally plagued with these memories? Are you? Do you look back or is that the curse of someone like me? Truthfully, I wish I could taste the fruit to forget. I wish nothing more, now, than to be rid of the emptiness I feel when I remember you; hear your name, see your face...

A fairytale ending is not what the universe had in store for us.

Cupid's Joke

I guess I'm a little bit bitter about Valentine's Day... Even though I'm in a relationship and have been for the passed few V. Days, it never seems to strike a good chord in my heart. Cupid never hits me with an arrow of love or something...

I have few memorable February 14ths and most of them are depressing. My first memory was when my mother gave my sister and me a beta fish. This is probably my favorite Valentine's Day ever and I will hopefully never forget how wonderful it was. My second is the year a friend of mine got many carnations for V day and I got none... She plucked a petal from her carnation and gave it to me... the sentiment was sweet, but it was a depressing reminder I didn't have any secret admirers or friends who liked me enough to spend $3.00 on me. That same year, I sent a pink carnation to the boy I liked and watched him toss it in the trashcan... Thank God I didn't put my name on it!

The last Valentine's Day I can remember vividly was the first V Day I spent with my horrid ex, Matt. He had me close my eyes the Christmas before, got down on one knee and procured a velvet box which contained cheap gold earrings with fake rubies in them... How sweet. >_> The following Valentine's Day I spent sitting on his bed watching him play WoW, eating chocolates I bought. He gave me two wine toppers, knowing very well I didn't drink alcohol and swore I never would.

So, needless to say, even though I'm in a relationship, I never put ANY stock into V Day and I never expect anything... because anytime I ever hoped my hopes were always crushed, anytime I ever expected, my expectations were dashed. I will never like Valentine's Day and my heart goes out to all of the adolescent girls and boys who are destroyed year after year by their various crushes. I know for most of you this time is just a painful phase and will pass... and I also know, from witnessing obsessive adults sob over their lack of a love life on this day, for the rest of you this day will only get harder and harder as you get older. I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day and hope you know there is someone out there who loves you, even if you don't know who they are.

Himo Nailo

Why do you always do this to me? Just when I begin to think I can go on without you, you come creeping back into my life like a poison, reminding me how much I miss you and wish things had turned differently. Why can't you just leave me alone? Why do you always do this?!

Sanctuary

Sanctuary

It wasn't just a home,
it was rehabilitation
from those horrid years
filled with torment and humiliation.
It wasn't just a roof,
it was a shelter
pulling us from the mud
and helping us feel better.
I know this poem is full of weak rhymes,
completely not in synced
and failing in time.
I just wanted you to know...
what you did in your part,
you not only raped our sanctuary
but you broke our heart.

Pray for sight

What if instead of asking God to cure all or to bring back what is lost... you, instead, ask him to give you strength to accept what he has done and give you sight so you can understand what he has in store for you?

Death

La mort, la muerte, kamatayan, tod, shi...

In whatever tongue you speak, it elicits the same emotions. The largest of these being curiosity. Death is the most famous topic in human culture, to that of love, and has been since our very beginnings and people first roamed this Earth. Regardless of who you are, death has crossed your mind at one point in time.

Let me ask you then, what happens after you die? Religious zealots, of course, will adamantly claim, based on lifestyles, despite true biblical evidence or word, a glorious kingdom awaits those deserving. Those who do not, can count on an eternity in hell and lakes of fire. Atheists and non-believers with no faith in the omnipotent, super-being, God, say nothing happens. Our minds reside in a dreamless, sleep-like state, in which our bodies return to the earth.

Looking at this from an objective, non-biased, anatomical point of view; your mind and all thought process is composed of your brain firing neurons and transmitting electricity. A "brain-dead" person ceases to have these firings and a "dead-dead" person does too. With this inactivity, I ask with open ears, an eager mind, and honest hope... how does one continue to think? Know? Believe?

This is where soul comes into play. What is the soul? An imaginary floaty that no one can hear, see, smell, taste, or feel? An entity in which resides in only the "heart" and mind/brain of humans? Our inner being, which no human sense can comprehend? (Keeping in mind, if the soul comes from the imaginations of humans and imagination comes from the brain, then once the brain stops, so does the imagination. The soul.)

Believe me when I say I want there to be a god. I want an after-life, an eternity of happiness for the good I have done. Hell, I would gladly accept a timeless end of damnation, torture, and punishment, if only I could know something beyond death existed. Faith, the size of a grain of mustard seed, the tiniest spec on the tip of a grown man's finger, can move mountains... Faith, everyone has... and I will be ridiculed, chastised, and berated for not.

I ask, though... of my religious friends, how can you be so certain? You tell me grand things await, but science and law betrays your faith. You tell me I need faith... but I lost faith. How do I regain what time and time again has proven a farce? How is heaven such a certainty?

And of my atheist friends, you may laugh and scoff at my pitiful pleading or lame logic, but to you I ask how? How do you continue, knowing there is a nothingness for you? What is the point in life at all? You can't relish in what you do or see your rewards... there is no one waiting and nothing there... and you will surely be forgotten. How do you pull yourselves out of bed with these thoughts?

I am a torn and tortured soul. I seek answers I cannot receive, and I know this... but perhaps words of comfort will suffice.

Thank you,

Jess