Fairytales and Anguish

I think you chose poorly. I think you should have picked me. I was always there, waiting... and you abandoned what we could have had. You burned the memories, shunned the present, and destroyed the future. All of it, murdered by your sharp tongue and quick fingers. The pain and sorrow was all inflicted by you.

Maybe if I had worn my pretty blue dresses or sang openly for you. Would you have stayed then? If I had written a million stories for you, would you be at my side? Every tale could detail the love we shared, instead of the friendship we lost. Every pitch perfect note, an aria written in  your name. Perhaps, had I only invited you over that night.... or if I had stolen those kisses?

Maybe, just maybe, if I had let you hold me, if I had agreed to steal away in the night? Would everything be alright then? Would I still get to see you? Look into your eyes, hear your nervous chuckle, feel your breath... Would we still be friends, then?

I never asked you to be mine. I never told you to change who you were. I never begged you to stay... but, what if I had? Would you? Would you have stayed for me?

Things changed so very quickly, I didn't even have the chance to blink. We grew up and you forsook all that I was. You lied, cheated, and betrayed me. I forgave you for that, by the way. I never held it against you, but I couldn't go there. It wasn't because I hated you. It wasn't because I stopped caring. It was because I loved you and I cared too much. I couldn't see you give your soul to another. I didn't want to play a fool anymore. I was scared to bear witness to a beautiful end. I wanted nothing more but for you to be happy, so I stayed away. I'm sorry if I hurt you.

You were my everything. My reason for being. I found solace. I thought, with years and another, I would forget, but I haven't. I wonder now if I ever will. Will I be eternally plagued with these memories? Are you? Do you look back or is that the curse of someone like me? Truthfully, I wish I could taste the fruit to forget. I wish nothing more, now, than to be rid of the emptiness I feel when I remember you; hear your name, see your face...

A fairytale ending is not what the universe had in store for us.

Cupid's Joke

I guess I'm a little bit bitter about Valentine's Day... Even though I'm in a relationship and have been for the passed few V. Days, it never seems to strike a good chord in my heart. Cupid never hits me with an arrow of love or something...

I have few memorable February 14ths and most of them are depressing. My first memory was when my mother gave my sister and me a beta fish. This is probably my favorite Valentine's Day ever and I will hopefully never forget how wonderful it was. My second is the year a friend of mine got many carnations for V day and I got none... She plucked a petal from her carnation and gave it to me... the sentiment was sweet, but it was a depressing reminder I didn't have any secret admirers or friends who liked me enough to spend $3.00 on me. That same year, I sent a pink carnation to the boy I liked and watched him toss it in the trashcan... Thank God I didn't put my name on it!

The last Valentine's Day I can remember vividly was the first V Day I spent with my horrid ex, Matt. He had me close my eyes the Christmas before, got down on one knee and procured a velvet box which contained cheap gold earrings with fake rubies in them... How sweet. >_> The following Valentine's Day I spent sitting on his bed watching him play WoW, eating chocolates I bought. He gave me two wine toppers, knowing very well I didn't drink alcohol and swore I never would.

So, needless to say, even though I'm in a relationship, I never put ANY stock into V Day and I never expect anything... because anytime I ever hoped my hopes were always crushed, anytime I ever expected, my expectations were dashed. I will never like Valentine's Day and my heart goes out to all of the adolescent girls and boys who are destroyed year after year by their various crushes. I know for most of you this time is just a painful phase and will pass... and I also know, from witnessing obsessive adults sob over their lack of a love life on this day, for the rest of you this day will only get harder and harder as you get older. I wish you all a Happy Valentine's Day and hope you know there is someone out there who loves you, even if you don't know who they are.

Himo Nailo

Why do you always do this to me? Just when I begin to think I can go on without you, you come creeping back into my life like a poison, reminding me how much I miss you and wish things had turned differently. Why can't you just leave me alone? Why do you always do this?!

Sanctuary

Sanctuary

It wasn't just a home,
it was rehabilitation
from those horrid years
filled with torment and humiliation.
It wasn't just a roof,
it was a shelter
pulling us from the mud
and helping us feel better.
I know this poem is full of weak rhymes,
completely not in synced
and failing in time.
I just wanted you to know...
what you did in your part,
you not only raped our sanctuary
but you broke our heart.

Pray for sight

What if instead of asking God to cure all or to bring back what is lost... you, instead, ask him to give you strength to accept what he has done and give you sight so you can understand what he has in store for you?

Death

La mort, la muerte, kamatayan, tod, shi...

In whatever tongue you speak, it elicits the same emotions. The largest of these being curiosity. Death is the most famous topic in human culture, to that of love, and has been since our very beginnings and people first roamed this Earth. Regardless of who you are, death has crossed your mind at one point in time.

Let me ask you then, what happens after you die? Religious zealots, of course, will adamantly claim, based on lifestyles, despite true biblical evidence or word, a glorious kingdom awaits those deserving. Those who do not, can count on an eternity in hell and lakes of fire. Atheists and non-believers with no faith in the omnipotent, super-being, God, say nothing happens. Our minds reside in a dreamless, sleep-like state, in which our bodies return to the earth.

Looking at this from an objective, non-biased, anatomical point of view; your mind and all thought process is composed of your brain firing neurons and transmitting electricity. A "brain-dead" person ceases to have these firings and a "dead-dead" person does too. With this inactivity, I ask with open ears, an eager mind, and honest hope... how does one continue to think? Know? Believe?

This is where soul comes into play. What is the soul? An imaginary floaty that no one can hear, see, smell, taste, or feel? An entity in which resides in only the "heart" and mind/brain of humans? Our inner being, which no human sense can comprehend? (Keeping in mind, if the soul comes from the imaginations of humans and imagination comes from the brain, then once the brain stops, so does the imagination. The soul.)

Believe me when I say I want there to be a god. I want an after-life, an eternity of happiness for the good I have done. Hell, I would gladly accept a timeless end of damnation, torture, and punishment, if only I could know something beyond death existed. Faith, the size of a grain of mustard seed, the tiniest spec on the tip of a grown man's finger, can move mountains... Faith, everyone has... and I will be ridiculed, chastised, and berated for not.

I ask, though... of my religious friends, how can you be so certain? You tell me grand things await, but science and law betrays your faith. You tell me I need faith... but I lost faith. How do I regain what time and time again has proven a farce? How is heaven such a certainty?

And of my atheist friends, you may laugh and scoff at my pitiful pleading or lame logic, but to you I ask how? How do you continue, knowing there is a nothingness for you? What is the point in life at all? You can't relish in what you do or see your rewards... there is no one waiting and nothing there... and you will surely be forgotten. How do you pull yourselves out of bed with these thoughts?

I am a torn and tortured soul. I seek answers I cannot receive, and I know this... but perhaps words of comfort will suffice.

Thank you,

Jess

A Very Dark Spring and Religious Hypocrites II

Religion is a funny thing. Without it, you discover you're alone and any minute purpose in life is completely invalidated because there is no ending reward. With it, you have to follow strict and outdated rules, which within the norms of society, don't fit. All religious people "cherry pick from the bible", as you put it. It's true.


I begin this portion by stating what I have already said once. To an extent, I believe I would be happier with God in my life. If I had fallen into a devout radical religion, like my father's, I probably would still be a blind worshiping fool; however, I have lost my faith in a higher being. If there is a man sitting in the clouds above, he has long since turned his back on me and therefore, I don't give him any credit in existence.

I would rant and rave again about how I was a good devout christian girl. Steered clear of drugs, sex, and violence... but inevitably, it did not matter. But this isn't about me. It is, but not really. It's about you. Both of you.

I will state first names, to avoid any confusion, finger pointing, or hurt feelings for those who are not being targeted. Alex, and Anthony, are my sole quarries and these are those who I will speak about, while, yes, alluding to others as well. My family is very conservative, on both sides, and both sides are born into Christian households. Of course, they have differing Christian views (which probably didn't help my departure.) and sometimes this caused conflicts. Regardless, I was raised Christian, and BOY! Was I ever Christian. I carried a bible to school. I cried and wept for those who I knew died without being saved, (Timothy McVeigh) I prayed every night, before every meal, in public, in private, with friends, for friends... for STRANGERS! I swore, with my God, I could do anything.

Now, with every Christian view, comes more fights than are necessary. (YOU'RE CHRISTIANS!!!) It amazes me, to this day, how many Christians are quick to point judgmental fingers, "Oh, you're going to hell!", ridicule each other, or will turn their backs on their fellow men. Even after leaving my faith behind, I am still as caring as ever. I see a person crying, coddling their legs, I will reach out to them, hug them, tell them they're loved by someone and if they need an ear, shoulder, or anything, I am willing to help them to the best of my abilities. Both of you turned your backs on me in the most horrific way.

We'll just cut right into business now and begin with Pre-Marital Sex. A big sin, resembling adultry. (Regardless of your intentions.) To Christians, this sin is the most jaw dropping obvious, slap in the face, no no. I never wanted to lose my virginity in the way it was lost. I had vowed to myself, my body is sacred, and I won't allow anyone to enter unless I have devoted myself to them... I wanted to wait until marriage. I was naive, even though I was smart enough to know better, my heart wanted to believe those sweet deceitful words. I will not lie anymore... I regret things often. I live with my regret, using it to benefit me: knowledge, power, wisdom... Regrets are experiences learned. But sometimes these regrets do rise up and haunt me. This is one of those. I regretted it immediately, but there was no turning back. What had been done was done.

Now, from a scientific point of view, virginity is nothing more than religious jargon utilized in scaring prepubescent Christian girls into avoiding men and sheathing them in ignorance. The hymen is easily broken and often times is broken before the penis ever enters the vagina. I just thought everyone should know that. Your virginity can be stolen from you by WALKING, EXERCISING! Doing daily activities...

But still, there is a dawning moment once you have sex for the first time. I think for most people NOT in my shoes, it is mediocre to amazing... but not horrific. For many, it's an achievement, a goal reached and realized, for some, it's a meh experience where neither party reaches climax, but nothing went horribly wrong. For others, it's romantic, it's pure love, it's ecstasy. Not something to look back on and bow your head in shame and bitter anger. It was un-pleasurable. It hurt. He was apathetic to my hesitations, concerns, and reserves. He didn't listen to what I wanted and needed... I felt unloved, uncared for, and in the end hated myself for giving my devotion to this piece of... scum. (I would much rather utilize another four letter S word... but my father believes I swear too much in these blogs.)

We'll start there, Alex: you seemed to think I glorified my premarital sex. You often times brought it up and shoved it in my face. Using it against me in every argument, in every stance... Telling me I was doomed to an eternity of hell, no matter how I repented. No matter how I tried to make it up... I had already regretted the decision to open my legs to this man, and now I was going to hell forever because he had convinced me we would marry so it wouldn't matter. But of course, we would never marry. I was left with broken promises and a stolen virginity... a hideous reminder of the biggest mistake I ever made. And no matter how many times I cried, no matter how much I prayed for forgiveness, you wouldn't let it go. You used it against me every chance you got.

In the end, you broke up with me because I wasn't a virgin and you were.

The only thing my father had to say about this... was you were right. I was so scorned. I couldn't shower enough, I couldn't cry enough, purge enough... nothing would empty my body of the disgusting reminder.

Now, let's move to Anthony. You, my friend, called me a prude. I *was* a prude. I was naive, I was scared of sex. Scared of being hurt, and letting someone into my heart. You made me feel like I should be ashamed for being sexually inactive. I worked so hard to gain your attention, and I was met with that.

I thought I could impress you. If I could be sexy, like the loose girls you tended to chase, perhaps you would look my way and find me attractive or worthy. We never spoke directly about sex aside from these moments when you called me a prude; however, you were a hypocrite from the start. You were a virgin too! I was so stupid to think you weren't. I lost my virginity before you. I just wonder if yours was half as bad.

Somewhere along the line, you became religious too. You repented and made up for your pre marital sins... but for some reason I was still incapable of doing this, in your eyes. No matter how many times I swore off sex until marriage and prayed and asked for grace, I was still doomed to hell. The joke became, "------ can have butt-sex and still be saved. But the rest of us are going to hell." You pious...

You fluctuated though. I could tell your religion was insincere, right away. It was alarming. When I was at my most religious, I never thought to be so judgmental. I never would have told someone they were going to hell, and I was most certainly never a hypocrite. If I knew I didn't want others to be doing it, and I knew I shouldn't be doing it, I wouldn't. I was never going to be caught dead doing something, just to turn around and say, "Hey! You can't do that!" It gets better though.

On both accounts. :)

With Alex, I thought he had a point. He was right. My dad thought so. God thought so... and deep in my heart I knew so. Anthony, though... was wrong. He continued with sex, and would go and ask for immediate forgiveness, promising to swear off sex until marriage... yet never stopped. I don't know how many times you broke a promise to God. I don't know about you, but seriously, I would be terrified to break a promise to the big white robed man upstairs. That just seems like a hugely bad idea. Even now, I can't imagine doing something so bold and dangerous. That's like asking for a freight train ticket on the next boarding straight to hell.

I kept one thing, though. I never had loose, scandalous sex with just anyone. No one night stands, no three-somes, no polygamous deviations... What I did in bed with the man I loved and devoted myself to, was my choice and his... His body belonged to me and mine to him... That's how it works with sex. You don't sex every moving thing, every woman you have interest in, etc...

Men are men, though. Aren't they? When you first told me you weren't a virgin anymore, I was shocked. I really had no idea how to reply. Then, I will admit, I laughed. You poor sorry soul, I said. You've doomed yourself to hell- your own words, remember? Oh Alex... I asked you then, "So, are you not religious anymore?" and your reply... to be frank, it pissed me off. I lost every ounce of respect I had ever held for you. "Of course I am." ARE YOU SERIOUS!? How can you be?! And you had the nerve to blow off sex like it was no big deal.

You. Are. A. Hypocrite. Thank you for the months of torturing reminders I wasn't good enough for you or God. Thank you for making me feel smaller than even Ryan had. At least you never said I was going to hell. Thank you for being a Christian.

Oh, and for the record, you're probably going to hell. :) If hell exists, that is.

Now, let's return to Anthony. Ahh Anthony. I gave myself to you. I thought you would carry me from my dark place. Rescue me on a bright steed... You told me you loved me and wanted to marry me. You made me believe you, just the same as Ryan. And the day after, the very next day, after I had loved you for FOUR years, waited for you to stop dating whores and come sweep me off my feet, the very next day after you finally give me everything I ever wanted from you, you tell me you were leading me on and immediately I found you in a relationship with someone my sister's age who had a newborn baby. And then it started again. I was going to hell for having premarital sex... You were living with a young teenager, who had a child, and slept in your bed with you... and you tell me I'm going to hell, AGAIN?!

You... You are probably the biggest most infuriating hypocrite I know.

The Golden Rule is to treat others how you would like to be treated and I believe Jesus said himself, "Those without sin, may cast the first stone..."

"Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measure to you again...

Thou hypocrite, cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye."